The
best Believe It
Brian Tiernan
"Bless me Father for I have sinned... its 4 weeks since my last confession."
"Yes my son."
"I cursed 32 times, Father."
"I took the Lord's Name in vain 28 times."
"I gave backchat to my mother 8 times."
"I gave backchat to my father once."
"Carry on my son."
"I had bad thoughts 56 times, Father."
"Did you abuse yourself?"
Fingers crossed.
"What do you mean?"
"Did you pull your wire... play with your mickey?"
"Certainly not."
"Good lad... you'll go blind and lose your hair."
Through the confessional gauze I can see Father Doocey's bald head and milk bottle glasses.
"Anything else?"
"I felt a girl Father."
"Inside or outside her clothes?"
"Outside... I think she was a Protestant."
"Thank God for that... what age are you gosson?"
"131/2"
"Stay away from dirty women and girls... your mickey will rot and fall off."
"I will Father... "
Fingers loosed.
"In nomine patria... "
"I'm not finished yet, Father."
"Yes, sonny?"
"I robbed my granny's shop 20 times."
"What did you rob?"
"Bulls eyes... nancy balls... the odd 10 Gold Flake... the price of the pictures."
"Any money?"
"No."
"It's not a sin to steal off your relatives."
Believe it!
"For your penance... say a decade of the Rosary for the conversion of Russia... Joe Stallion died last month... the joyful mysteries."
Out the door into the Easter Saturday mid-day sunshine.
Can't wait to tell my pal Tonto what the priest said about robbing your relatives.
His uncle has a pub in Connaught Street.
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